I broke up with my fiancé a week ago.

When I was a little girl, I never dreamed my life would be turning out the way it has. I’m 26. I’ve prayed for so many years for God to guide me, to show me His will for my life. I know He has heard me. I’m a good Catholic—I’m not supposed to be one of “those people” who start doubting when things don’t go their way. But I do doubt.
They tell me I’m still young, that I have my whole life in front of me, that God IS answering my prayers, that I just can’t see it yet. They don’t know how infuriated those words make me.

When I was in high school, I thought, “I’m lonely now, but I’ll find the right man when I’m in college.” In college I thought, “I guess he’ll come along after I graduate.” By 24 I was thinking, “Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

I truly believe my vocation is to be a wife and a mother, but I can’t start living it on my own. But I’m also not the type to just sit around and wait for God to plop a husband in my lap, so in the meantime I earned my Master’s degree, I have my own business, I volunteer, I have tons of hobbies that bring me joy. But I’m alone.

There is no “soul mate” out there for each of us, no matter what my ex-fiancé used to tell me. There are probably a dozen men with whom I could live a holy and happy life. But none of us is guaranteed anything, and none of us is promised a spouse. Maybe my husband got distracted along the way. Maybe he found another woman, a holier woman, to marry. Maybe he was aborted.

Just a few short weeks ago, I was imagining our wedding. I was thinking up names for our first babies. I was picturing our first cozy little apartment together. But it wasn’t right, and I had to end it. Maybe I was wrong? I don’t know. I feel more at peace now than I did when I was with him, so I guess that’s a good sign. But I can’t stand the thought that I hurt him by walking away, and I can’t help wondering why. Why has my life turned out this way? Did I do something wrong? Did I take a wrong turn? Why is it so hard for me to pray now, and truly lay everything down before Him? I thought that if I trusted Him for all those years, He’d take care of me. I just don’t feel very taken-care-of.

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2 Responses to I’m Alone

  1. Mary says:

    Hi, I just wanted to first tell you that you are not alone. I broke up with my soon to be fiancé 2 months ago. We were planning on becoming engaged in December and being married by next Fall. Like you, I started picturing my wedding, my future children, my dreams… And it was not right. I had been with him for over a year and nothing seemed more natural. We should get married right? Well, it turned out that I had some moments of real clarity that my relationship was not helping me to grow closer to God or what He was calling me towards. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and 2 months later it still hurts sometimes. However, the overwhelming sense of peace that filled me following our breakup, was most definitely the sign I needed to let me know that I had made the right decision. Hang in there…. It does get easier. You cry yourself to sleep more than you ever thought possible, wonder if the right man ever will come along, and the smallest things set off your emotions all over again, BUT you find other things to do. You do the things you had always wanted to do when you were in the relationship and were not able to, you learn to start doing the things that made you happy when you were single before, and you have the opportunity to spend more time with your family and friends (because honestly, this could be the last time you spend so much time with them before meeting someone and getting married). Prayer becomes easier, too. Start with little prayers, pray as you tell God how you are feeling, and find at least one small thing per day for which to thank Him.

    God gave you a desire to be a mother and a wife for a reason. He will not let you down. You have done nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you. Not unless there is something wrong with all of the other young single women who wonder the very same things. 😉 It is always so difficult to see where God is leading you, and why certain things happen at one time or another, but rest assured that your best interests are always on His heart. Maybe, like you said, you or your future husband are not ready to meet yet… Maybe he is out there right now wondering where you are and praying for you. We cannot understand our situation until God reveals that part of His plan for us and we are ready to hear it. Until then, have faith and know that all of us single young catholic girls feel the same way. You are not alone even if you feel that way sometimes. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. Peace.

  2. Laura says:

    Your posts could have been written by me . . . over 20 years ago. I broke up with my fiancé. I was 31, had a Masters degree, did tons of volunteer work, hosted get-togethers with friends at my house but deep down felt completely alone, and lonely. I knew the relationship wasn’t right from day 1, and there was nothing that was going to change that – you know that too.
    After the break up I really put myself out there. Asked friends to fix me up, used a dating service, really made an effort (without putting out that sense of desperation). I finally found the right man and I married at the age of 33. We have one, beautiful daughter that we love more than anything.
    Here’s the thing though, turns out the break really wasn’t about me at all. My former fiancé went on to become a Catholic priest. If I hadn’t done what was right at the time, a parish would today be missing it’s wonderful pastor (and I wouldn’t have my own wonderful family).
    I can’t promise you that the perfect man will come along, but I can tell you that when you feel like a man is not right for you, nothing is going to change that, so if trusting in God’s plan is too hard right now, at least believe in yourself.

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